Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Kari Jobe: You Are For Me

Suffering is a deep and powerful mystery. None of us can escape it. And, it reaches us at different levels, at different times and for different reasons. Reasons that are never easy, and often incomprehensible.

Perhaps the most confounding aspect of suffering is it's ability, or God's ability rather, to bring fruit into the world, into our communities, our homes, our own personal souls through suffering.....if we will allow Him.

Yesterday I woke up from a very restless night of broken sleep. Splashing cool water on swollen eyes in an attempt to wake a weary body, for a moment I paused, catching a glimpse of the woman looking back at me in the mirror. I couldn't ignore the affects that the physical demands of life these past few years, and 9 months especially, have had on me. That moment was quiet, quick, and still, yet filled with thoughts, questions and emotions that from out of no where crept up and crossed my concious, catching me off guard. I didn't want to feel this way. I squinted through the droplets of water, wondering if I could still see her - the girl of 5, 15, 25 - hidden in the present, swollen and tired 35. 

I leaned over the sink, the cold water still running over my hands, hands so swollen I knew it was time for the wedding band to rest on the dresser for these few final weeks. Tired and achy, I continued the morning routine, trying to ignore those passing thoughts and focusing instead on the simple sound of birds singing outside the window. Their sweetness reminded me of Spring. Every Spring, actually, since childhood until now. Isn't it funny how familiar sounds and scents, can awaken the memory of the soul, breaking through the inner-dormancy that often overwhelms the mind and heart during long winter days, weeks, months?

Thinking about yourself: who you are, who you were, where you've been, isn't always easy. Moving through time, working, aching, giving, sharing, answering to every call, "Yes, I am here" to those who need you. But the startling question of that moment was "I - who am I?" The I am mom, wife, friend, athlete, musician, writer....all the things that we think mark our character or make us unique....sometimes seem grey, feel lost, invisible. That morning I felt worn out, a little empty, a little lonely for the girl of the past, the one I couldn't find in the mirror, the girl of 5, 15, 25...

Then, just as quickly as the inner conversation between mind and soul began, so came the conclusion. I felt the breath of God gently move over me, rescuing me from self-pity, rescuing me from myself. I felt him say, "When you forget who you are, remember Who I Am. I am faithful, true, loving, strong, generous....I am Father. I am with you. I am for you."

I share this with you, because I know that today in some way, you will suffer. No matter how slight or how deep, you will suffer. So many of us have moments that can sneak up on us and send us into places that are difficult to experience, they can be lonely, frightening, frustrating and difficult to share with others. Maybe it's a moment, maybe it's hours, or days. Questions that need answers, or answers that aren't what we expect or want to hear. Whatever it is, wherever it is, when we forget who we are, we can remember who God Is. Amen.

I hope you enjoy this song, it has ministered to me many, many times, especially when it is difficult to pray. (You may have to click on the "Watch on YouTube" link.)

So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true, so powerful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me I know that you are for me
I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true, so wonderul in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move You love for me to sing to you

1 comment:

  1. Susan, Greetings from Lee's Summit! Love, love, LOVE your blog. You have developed a beautiful peace of work and are very talented. Thank you for sharing your gifts. This post was particularly inspiring, probably because it hit so close to home. Morning fog is intense in my world. I am impressed with anyone who can actually think prior to being awake for an hour so marveled at your early morning reflections (spiritual and literal.) Your boys are so big. Our days at St. John's when I watched your little guys while you taught my not-so-little one seem so long ago. Now my Andrew will graduate in May. They grow so fast. Every season is beautiful. I can't wait to hear about the new baby. Hello to Steve and the little guys.